i’ve got the blues…

we moved into our new house in march of this year…it is a very square, long, brady bunch, frank lloyd wright, 1960ish ranch…over 2000 sq ft (much different than our little 1000 sq ft cape cod)…it has a lot of character, originality, and quirks…the entire home was in need of a face lift…(still working on that)…after 3 months of contemplation, this is what i have come up with in the living room and dining room (although, they are still a work in progress)….

hand-made quilt with amy butler fabric

lovely basket of shells

 

 

sleeping in style...

 

little treasures from the sea...

 

 

 

reflecting pool...

new little reading nook...

 

still needs some fillers...

 

 

mid-century modern chair and old rotary phone...

favorite lamp...

couple of favorite books...

blue and green vintage aprons...

more nigella...a very cheap fix...

nigella in frames...

couple pieces of fiesta...

ethan's contribution to design...the standard "E" tag...and a portrait of hello kitty...

so…i guess i am somewhat loving blue and green…which is so different from my warm palette that i usually roll…i have painted the living room twice now to reach this…and the dining room is still trying to tell me the color that it would like to have below the chair rail…i am also waiting for the dining room table of my dreams…a vintage beauty that hasn’t found me yet…i will keep you posted…

today…

today i received a beautiful handmade gift from a friend…it’s so pretty that i just have to look at it…unable to use it…today the most amazing, uplifting words came with that bag and they brought a shower of tears to my eyes…just as the rains poured from the skies, nourishing my flowers and newly planted grass…so my soul is nourished by this random act of kindness and love…thank you for what you brought to my spirit today…

a little lesson…

today i am forced to count my blessings…i usually walk around looking for something to fulfill my melancholy mind…something to worry about or i might even have a little pity party about the things i don’t have, i may even get down on my lovely little family for not holding up their end of the bargain (my own made-up expectation)…but lastnight…a wave came over me…i was at work, taking care of one of my patients…he has stage 4 cancer, he is battling sepsis, his entire leg has been hollowed out from 5 surgeries in the past 3 weeks…the skin and fascia are gone…revealing his musculature, tendons, and bone…my entire hand can fit under his skin as we pack and dress the wound…it takes 3 nurses…he asks me why we keep doing this to him…and i tried to find words to calm him down, share my compassion…but we both just came up short…i was shaking…i have never seen anything like that as a nurse…i was scared, saying silent little prayers to get all of us through this as fast as possible…if  it wasn’t for the calmness of one of my co-workers, i don’t think i would have been able to complete the task…my heart was sick for him and still is…i’ve thought about him all day.

sometimes you think you have an understanding of something…but then you get shown something that makes you realize you know nothing at all…sometimes i really believe my woes are within the realm of suffering…and that my character is getting chisled by all of my little burdens and mishaps…then my eyes are opened to true suffering…the kind that you can’t do anything about, the kind that you have to deal with until your fate comes…and this lesson makes me feel like i have been slammed to the ground…humbled, quiet, scared.

i read this this today…i guess it really just speaks for itself…there is nothing i could add to make the statement anymore evident, meaningful, or impactful.  i love it… i love the lesson and the choice of words used to illustrate it…(it is written by Charles Spurgeon-one of my true loves in life) i am so thankful for this today as it comes at a time of personal insecurity and fear…today, i am comforted.

 
“After that ye have suffered awhile, make you perfect,
stablish, strengthen, settle you.”
– 1 Peter 5:10

 

You have seen the arch of heaven as it spans the plain: glorious are
its colours, and rare its hues. It is beautiful, but, alas, it passes
away, and lo, it is not. The fair colours give way to the fleecy
clouds, and the sky is no longer brilliant with the tints of heaven. It
is not established. How can it be? A glorious show made up of
transitory sun-beams and passing rain-drops, how can it abide? The
graces of the Christian character must not resemble the rainbow in its
transitory beauty, but, on the contrary, must be stablished, settled,
abiding. Seek, O believer, that every good thing you have may be an
abiding thing. May your character not be a writing upon the sand, but
an inscription upon the rock! May your faith be no “baseless fabric of
a vision,” but may it be builded of material able to endure that awful
fire which shall consume the wood, hay, and stubble of the hypocrite.
May you be rooted and grounded in love. May your convictions be deep,
your love real, your desires earnest. May your whole life be so settled
and established, that all the blasts of hell, and all the storms of
earth shall never be able to remove you. But notice how this blessing
of being “stablished in the faith” is gained. The apostle’s words point
us to suffering as the means employed-”After that ye have suffered
awhile.” It is of no use to hope that we shall be well rooted if no
rough winds pass over us. Those old gnarlings on the root of the oak
tree, and those strange twistings of the branches, all tell of the many
storms that have swept over it, and they are also indicators of the
depth into which the roots have forced their way. So the Christian is
made strong, and firmly rooted by all the trials and storms of life.
Shrink not then from the tempestuous winds of trial, but take comfort,
believing that by their rough discipline God is fulfilling this
benediction to you.

new robbin header…

my beautiful birdie perched on my header was provided by a super special photographic friend…view other awesome images by her at loweryjes.wordpress.com

to the papas…

i am thankful for all of the fathers in my life…

my dad…

you never really know as you are going along how someone will impact your life, what they will teach you, and how you will carry it out in your own way…my dad gave me a love for books that is undeniable…anytime i ever asked him for a book, he never said no…not one single time…he played great music for me and sang the lyrics loudly, and to this day there are specific songs that put me in his presence…my dad always used big words and if i didn’t understand it…he would tell me to look it up…and now i am drawn to obscure words or anyone that speaks them…my dad used to be a coal miner and put himself through college and law school…all while raising children…and in that he taught me the importance of paying for my own education and what it does for my own personal work ethic…i have always known my dad to work…and that has taught me commitment to my job…my dad is an extreme democrat…well, that has taught me how to be a democrat too   my dad is a great cook…and that has given me a taste for delightful foods…he is opinionated…and that has helped me to have a voice (sometimes a very loud one)…lastly, he is a deep thinker…and i hope that has given me the ability to move beyond superficiality into a deeper state of being…i love all of these things, especially because these aren’t gifts of intention…

my husband…

amazingly full of energy and positivity…people are drawn to him…the dogs follow him…the kids are calmer when he is around…the funniest person that i have ever met…he has an innate ability to make me crack up in the middle of a fight…which makes me lose my credibility…he is open…he looks people in the eyes when he talks to them…he has a servant heart (although he doesn’t know it)…he wakes up with the babies every morning and never complains…he teaches ethan how to catch fireflies and put them in jars and how to hold his breath when he goes underwater…he is not intimidated by babies, diapers, or nurturing…he is always amazed when the kids are at a new milestone…he is enamored by their cuteness and showers them with kisses and hugs constantly…he is an awesome provider for his family…he sacrifices his bed and the best pillows so ethan can have the ultimate comfort at night…sometimes i will catch him being so loving with the kids…and it makes my heart ache…it gives me new reasons to love him deeper…

my grandfather (pap)…

 

he is the most loving, gentle, patient man that i know…he is spiritually grounded and carries a sense of inner peace from knowing god…he is not a yeller…he drove my grandmother around for their entire marriage…she never had a driver’s license…he always dropped her off at the front door and picked her up there as well…his home is like a personal sanctuary for me…always stable, never changing…he has the coolest workbench that i have ever seen…it is exactly the same now as it was when i was 6…he always calls me his #1 grand-daughter because i was the first born…he gave us grandchildren the greatest new year’s eve parties every year…supplied with cool party hats and noise makers…he let us scream wildly on the porch at midnight…he was faithfully by my grandmother’s side…even during her last moments here…when we were kids, we would spend every summer at their house…we sat on the porch every night after our baths and watched the moon…it is like a photograph in my mind…this big, giant, orange, swelling moon…it was a ritual that gives me the greatest sense of peace when i think of it…i am amazed at the way god uses other people to make up for the deficits in our lives…how he lovingly fills in the gaps through others…in so many ways, my grandfather was all of the things that my own father wasn’t…and i struggle with finding words appropriate to express my gratitude…

thanks to all of you for making my life complete and full of love…happy father’s day…

letting go…

i’m finally coming back to life since i have been off for a few days…trying to get back in the swing of life during the day, not night shift at a hospital…re-learning how to mother again…attempting to visit my creative side by gardening and sewing…we even hung a hammock on the back porch…but in my moments of quiet and rest, i’ve hit a jag…i think stella has weaned entirely from nursing…in one breath, i am ok with it…in others, i want to do everything i possibly can to get my milk to return…i feel like a door is closing and i am banging from the other side to let it open again…the hormonal shift is choking me out, it’s stifling and immobilizing…as much as i am embarrassed to admit it, it is my own fault…i started supplementing with bottles a few months ago…i got this sudden feeling that my milk wasn’t enough to supply her with what she needed…being a preemie, i became obsessed with calorie content and weight gain…i questioned my body’s ability to provide her with the only topic of conversation that people could come up with when we talked about stella, “how much does she weigh now?”…i caved and started slowly adding bottles into the mix…of course, it didn’t help that i went back to work and was unable to pull myself away from patient care for a lunch break, let alone to pump every 3 hours….i became that person that i always tried to educate about milk supply and trusting your body…this is such a different story from the way i was with ethan…breastfeeding was a breeze, enjoyable from both sides…i never thought for a moment that he wasn’t getting what he needed…i knew better…i was open to the process and loved it…it turned me into an advocate and gave me the burden to educate other moms that struggled with the issue…now i am on the other side of the fence…i feel like a failure, like i am letting stella down…i’m afraid to let go, as i know that my body will never go down this path again…my last chance at nursing…but as a working mother, it is so hard to balance all of the dreams and desires of motherhood, because my focus is in so many different directions…it also doesn’t help that i have the mindset of a perfectionist and can never cut myself a break…it has led me to come up with a few things that i am grateful for…

1. i am thankful that i have the daughter of my dreams…she is healthy, happy, and full of light…

2. i had the opportunity to breastfeed her for 9 good months…my body provided nutrition for her during a very vital time of her life…

3. we enjoyed much skin to skin during kangaroo care in the early weeks of her life and that alone helped her grow, gain weight, and bring her to our nest sooner…

i suppose that i am in just one of those bittersweet moments of motherhood as independence becomes more prevalent…and learning to embrace that is sometimes more difficult than letting go…

funky baby bonnets…

 

check out stella in her new, super-funky new bonnet…fresh from the yellow springs street fair… urbanbabybonnets.com

today…

today i am not mom, instead i am nurse…i will not be making pb&j’s…instead, i will be hanging drugs, assessing needs, drawing labs, evaluating them, documenting everything i do, talking to families, telling patients that it will be ok even though i know that it might not, maintaining vital signs, listening to lung sounds and heart tones, preparing for the many unexpected turns that i know are soon to pop up. i am roboticly (i know that is not a word)…functioning my way through today, the 3 previous and the 2 coming up. i’m on a 6 day stretch…on the night shift…working from 7 at night until 7 in the morning…i have to look at my watch over a hundred times a day, because i keep forgetting what day it is…when i come home in the morning…i don’t know if i should eat breakfast or dinner…and the same goes for when i wake up…which happens to be around 4 in the afternoon…but that is only if i am lucky…and i am allowed sleep while the rest of the world is abuzz. i often question myself…wondering why i chose this…why i chose a 24/7…365 business as my career…i miss my kids, i want to make play-dough, and teach ethan how to write his letters better, and teach stella to say uh-oh & da-da. sometimes the money isn’t worth it…sometimes i don’t want to be in on this side of life where people are sick and suffer, sometimes i don’t want to see people in the light of disease and treatment. sometimes i look at that person and wonder what their life was before all of this happened, what is their career, are they a good husband, or a loving mother, how many grandkids do they have, what is their house like, what is their house like now that they are not there, does their dog miss them, what do they believe, what is it really like to be there in that spot at that moment…i think all of these things. then, i start to think about my life…am i grateful enough? am i living in each moment? am i pouring out love so completely that i won’t have regret and look behind, wishing i would have done things over?…sometimes i don’t want to have these kinds of thoughts, but they creep over me constantly. i try to remember the words that my mom wrote in my graduation card…that nursing is such a privilege…but sometimes it’s hard when you don’t see the impact that you are having and when you are working hours that are out of control and you haven’t seen your family for days…i am trying to remember that it is for the greater good…something much bigger than myself…and i guess that is what keeps me going for now…knowing that every encounter prepares me for something else…and in that i am inspired…and i know that this is god’s work…and that i can be a vessel here…so that is it…even though parts of it are so difficult to process and i don’t want to see with those eyes…it keeps me appreciating little things…everyday things…like, sleeping with ethan’s foot in my back…or the way that stella is so super smiley when she wakes up…or the way matthew tries so hard to be a “teenager”…and the comfyness of my bed…and the way my house smells in the morning when mike has the coffee brewing…at this point i can even appreciate my laundry pile…i think what i might be trying to say here is that i am sooooo looking forward to my 8 days off…i think i might make some play-dough…

baby birds…

 matthew christian…

i guess my oldest really isn’t a baby anymore since he is now 13…sometimes i look at him and wonder how he has grown up so much all the while i have remained the same …i suppose i was a baby myself when i had him…21.  what did i know then?  not much…i had a high risk pregnancy…was hospitalized for a month hoping to delay delivery…but i ended up having him during a blizzard 12 weeks before he was due…he spent many days in NICU…but you would never know it by looking at him now…i look back at those days and wonder how i made it through…i didn’t have any spiritual grounding…but i do believe that god had his hand on me and used that experience to bring me some understanding of my need…he has grown into an amazing kid with an super spacious heart…just look at what a beauty he is…inside and out…it is so hard being a parent during this stage of life…watching them become their own individual selves…you hope that the harshness of the world just stays away from them…you want to keep them close and protect them, but you have to let them go out and become their own…

  

ethan phineas…

 my wild man…age 4…new year’s baby…born january 1, 2005…ethan was the same way in the womb as he is today in life…constantly moving, rib kicking, out of control…full-term…natural labor with a vengence…fast and furious…high maintence baby that was rarely put down and nursed like a pro (still sleeps right next to my side).  i got to experience so many new things with ethan…that it was like becoming a mom all over again…just in a different way…my heart expanded so much that i thought it might burst…ethan has so much energy that mike and i have to take turns throughout the day…he is all boy…but is completely obsessed with purses & bags, wears my shoes…and the ones he always goes for have beads and flower sequins all over them…i guess you could say he is kind of a cross-dresser…favorite color?  pink…of course!  he is also my creative one…a natural at painting & coloring…tells me he loves me about 800 times a day…and i never get sick of hearing it…i have had times a night when i watch him sleep…just watching the rise and fall of his chest…knowing that time is gone in a split second…and one day i will yearn for these days…and i try to tell my husband that when he grumbles out to the couch in the middle of the night because there is a foot in his face…

 

 

stella viola blue…

sweet baby.  named after one of my most cherished grateful dead songs…stella blue…or the guitar…whichever way you want to look at it…the viola is after mike’s grandma who has passed away…this is the girl that i waited for and longed to have…my most difficult pregnancy…the smell of lilacs to this day makes my stomach churn…born august 23, 2008…labor for >24 and a birth that is still somewhat difficult to talk about…i think i might save that as a separate entry…although it is hard to talk about, her birth experience showed me god on a level i didn’t think existed…i brought her home at 34weeks gestation, 4lb.12oz…so super small, but healthy…i am lucky and i count my blessings always…so happy and even tempered…such a little lover…she wants to be held and carried all of the time which i totally indulge her in…since she was cut short of her ride…i am doing my best to cherish her small babyness…since she will be my last addition to the nest…it’s crazy to think that i won’t ever be pregnant again…and this will be my last chance at breastfeeding…she is a perfect way to complete our family…